Sunday, December 18, 2011

Naughty or nice? Give me bad as hell

Having become a mother I now appreciate the fact that most people have an opinion about what you’re doing when it comes to raising your child.  Whether they’re a parent themselves or a casual spectator the comments come forth - some are truly lovely, some full of experience, others err on the wrong side of not.

A friend casually took a bottle of my expressed liquid gold from the fridge and was about to give it to Leo because I was on the phone and she thought he was hungry.  Another suggested I ‘wasn’t going to be one of those mothers’ when I stopped her from relentlessly feeding Leo a piece of steak at 4 months old.  There’s also the odd comment about his clothing and him being too warm, and is he doing A, B or C yet.

Speaking with a friend on the phone the other day she asked whether I was feeling broody due to several couples recently announcing their pregnancy news.  Broody?  No, because I’m wrapped up in nurturing Leo, but a part of me sometimes wonders whether we will ever find ourselves conceiving naturally again or if he will have a sibling to grow up with.  I don’t know what the future holds, but having waited so long for our baby boy to arrive we’re strong enough and focused enough to give him a great life regardless of the outcome.

She randomly ploughed on and asked if I’d read or heard about a recent article by the NCT (National Childbirth Trust) which I hadn’t (and I have no need to).  Apparently it suggests couples who have one child and fail to get pregnant through IVF (or similar) with a second are far more distraught than those who fail to conceive at all.   I stared hard into the phone, ‘WTF.  WHY ON EARTH ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?  I know women who are distraught regardless!  And the thing is you’re a mother who falls pregnant easily, you also know my history and you know if I were to become pregnant ever again (probably through medical intervention) the odds are my womb will rupture and both my baby and I could die.’

But I didn’t say that because I didn’t want to offend her with my pissed off tone, so instead I mumbled something about catching up soon and then spent the rest of the day growling.  Sometimes I wish I could let rip with both barrels when someone says something that’s insensitive, wrong and rude and if Father Christmas wants to know if I’ve been naughty or nice well I’ve been nice, but there are those days when I wish to high heaven I could be bad as h.e.l.l.


Anonymous said...

I find it interesting how sensitive people are when they are told off because of how insensitive they have behaved. If they were so very sensitive to begin with, they wouldn't be offending you with unsolicited advice about things that are none of their damn business.

When people routinely & offensively interfere I think you have every right to say something.

anymommy said...

I love you so very much. People. And their advice and weirdness. It's not the same, but after our oldest boy's re-adoption, when I received "lovely" comments or advice and I was in the growly, eat-me-own-tongue mood, I would stop and think: Okay. How sad for them. They don't get it. They'll live their whole life never going through something hard and challenging and painful and terrible and that means they'll forever be insensitive idiots.

I'm not glad for all we went through, but I am glad that I move through the world trying to be in tune to people's hidden struggles.

K said...

I decided that last year not saying something when someone is insensitive is not just bad for my emotional well-being, but also for my health and my relationship with my husband(because let's face it: he tends to get all the shit I didn't feel I could spew back at other people). I think as a mother who has lost and suffers daily with that loss, it's up to me to let people know how they can treat me. And if they don't like it, it's up to them to do the navel gazing and consider their actions. I am so over putting other people before myself. That being said, I know everyone has problems so some slack should be given, but if someone knows the whole story, that courtesy is forfeited!