I'd been reading other people's words on the internet for a while, trying to find someone or some group that I could relate to about my circumstances, but I couldn't, so eventually I wrote for myself and it was to be cathartic. I didn't have a clue in what manner the words would be unleashed from my finger tips, but like most things you find a way, your way and crack on with it.
My initial slant was to write about loosing Ella and the path I was staggering down 21 months on, mirrored with a determination to find out if the odds remained stacked against me at becoming pregnant again. One still birth and one miscarrige later I had been told it was unlikely. I haven't got a clue where I was standing when Lady Luck dished out the cards, but I became pregnant in July 2010 with Leo. This is one helluva bet I'd have been willing to loose millions on had I known then what I know now.
So here's the thing, Living On A Knife Edge was a title that was apt at the time, but is it so relevant now? Infact is my blog relevant?
I wrote an email to my great (and ridiculously inspirational) friend Stacey just before Leo's arrival, 'I think in hindsight I set the blog up to rant and to document the strange life we were in the throws of leading as we attempted to build a lodge in Africa and try for a baby. Who would have ever thought that things could change so drastically? I certainly didn't.'
She replied, 'You'll have to see what you need, what you want. Life is so exciting and busy ... the computer may be unnecessary. Then again, 3:00 a.m. nursing sessions lend themselves to blogging quite well.'
I take more than my hat off to this woman as I can barely function to fish Leo out of his moses basket (let alone find the laptop's universal on button at 3am), but I've thought about what she said. To be honest it would be quite easy to draw a line beneath the past and hit delete, but the past has got me to where I am today. So I'm going to try to keep the blog going, though I'm considering changing the title to - 'Living On A REALLY, SHARP, POINTY Knife Edge' as Chris and I bundle our precious son onto a plane destined for Africa.
Bear with me then as I try and post about the madness that will be our life in Uganda with a baby in tow. This combined with the fact that there are some really cool people out there who have anonymously been following my posts (to you in Iran, Thailand, Croatia, Ireland, Canada, Malaysia, Russia, US, Australia, Chile - thank you) has encouraged me to continue, especially as I've also started to tell family and friends about it (I can count on 2 hands the people I told at the beginning).
Sadly I have no idea how easy it will be to document the next chapter of my life as I've completely lost the ability to do anything which requires my concentration for more than 8
*Case in point, typing with one hand whilst feeding Leo and attempting to eat a warm chocolate croissant. Runny chocolate's missed my mouth, missed the baby and landed all over my jeans. That would never have happened in a past life.*