Saturday, September 24, 2011

A wobble

Chris came back for two days and has gone again. 

Leo adored seeing him, I loved having him around and we fell into being a family with such ease that I bite my lip when I remember what our life was like before.  The days away from each other are difficult now we have a baby (we always knew they would be and we were prepared) but this week in particular I've struggled with having to wave goodbye. 

I only have to look at Leo and am overwhelmed by this surge of love for him, but sometimes I feel completely out of my depth at the enormous responsibility involved in taking care of him on my own.  He is so precious, so little and so dependant on me that I still find myself gazing at him in disbelief.  And just sometimes the absolute fear of loosing him, having lost before, strikes firmly at my heart.

To make it harder I'm missing my family and friends more than usual.  I crave their advice, help and knowledge in helping me to charter these unknown baby waters.  I hold dear their humour, their wit and their stories via email and skype at how difficult, yet magical, parenthood really is and their safe and loving reassurances that we're doing ok over here. 

In light of the above I messaged a dear friend last night and explained that I was having a wobble.  I told her Chris was away and that I've been experiencing huge happiness and waves of sadness coupled with the fear of loosing Leo like we lost Ella.  She understands better than anyone having suffered a tragic loss of her own before having a baby boy only recently.  As such her reply about our babies filled my soul and made me cry as I held onto Leo tightly.

'I truly know how you feel and although I know how lucky we are, there are times I don't trust that he (her son) wont be taken away.  And when your husband isn't around to make you feel secure and tell you it'll be ok, it's hard to shake the bad thoughts.  But we will be ok and the boys came into our lives at the right times and to help us heal so they must be here to stay.'

Tomorrow is another day, and with it comes renewed strength and for that I am always grateful.


Amelia said...

My heart goes out to you. I understand when the scary feelings get a grip on your mind, I hope you were able to fight them off once again.

Ggirl said...

Fight them off I did. It's often when you're at your most vulnerable that you get caught out - I think a lack of sleep was to blame! X

Anonymous said...

At times it would be great if we could hit reset on our lives...& your fear is perfectly natural. I just hope it diminishes a little(or a lot). ~Mary