Window of Love

The.wheels.ground.to.a.halt.recently. 

Leo was as sick as a baby with a filthy cold, exploding teeth, a forehead hot as charcoal, large, red rimmed eyes, weak arms and inactive legs.  Our bed sheets, smelling of baby wee, hadn't been changed and had I known in advance I'd have invested in a bin liner and goggles because day five had him barking hard after every meal and spraying me with vomit.  Thankfully Chris was around for a few days and we played the exhausting game of parent tag, 'you hold the baby and I'll make lunch', 'you hold the baby, I need the loo', 'you hold the baby 'cause I've got to reply to emails', 'you hold the baby, you hold the baby, you hold the baby'.  'Ohhhhhhhhhh bloody hell, when is this illness going to end......'

In those few precious hours last Friday morning I sat watching Leo as he lay splayed across me, asleep, in our bed.  He wheezed like an old man and his small chest heaved with each rattly breathe and although unsure, I knew deep down I was giving him absolutely everything his tiny body craved to help him battle the fever burning down his body.  During those quiet hours I held him close and drank him in without interruption - no phones, no emails, no talking, no chasing time, no chores, no finding things to fill the time, no nothing - just him and me, a moment caught in time.  I studied his beautiful face, his curled fingers, his prefect toes and his narrow tummy as he exhaled the humid air from his lungs.  I touched his hair, the long wispy blond strands that poke over his ears and look out of place against the tufty bits on the back of his head.  

I realised that one silent morning the absolute love I feel for him is unlike any other emotion or feeling I know.  When he threw up all over me and I dropped everything on to the kitchen floor, including myself and our filthy clothes, he waddled over and crawled into my lap, circling his arms around my neck.  Leaning his tiny heaving body against mine I knew, as I held him tight, that a mother's love is a bond that cannot be broken.  When time stands still and gives you that window, fling it wide, because the sea of love that greets you on the other side is utterly breathtaking.