Thursday, August 8, 2013

The pain of guilt

Guilt bites.  It can be worn like a noose, or like a long dark cloak.  It can follow gently like a shadow or remain attached to your heart like a finely pinned badge.

Fiver years later I continue to carry the guilt of Ella's loss.  It is not as heavy or as potent as in the early years, but it still stings, like that of a wasp having left its splinter of poison in your arm.

The latter part of August holds the memory of when my pregnancy with Ella went spectacularly wrong.  This year those dates also bring on the wind the soft reminder of the baby we had been expecting.  The baby I miscarried late in December 2012.

The guilt I carry as a mother will forever be ingrained on my skin, in my memory and in my reasoning.  Like beautiful lines on a virgin piece of wood I try to shake the guilt off my frame, but they remain.  It is a mother's guilt, unlike any other known.

I am a mother to one, but a mother to many more and time, however long, will never change that.


To Leo

I lay you down sweet boy of mine
Reciting your great grandmother's gentle lullaby
'Bye O' Baby' I sing
You snatch the words and hold them tight inside

Bathe in the light the angles send you
Your sister and others watch from the patchwork night
A star surrounded by fireworks
Their hearts are ours, yours and mine

I shame myself with the loss of our babies
My womb strong enough only for one living soul
One pure Viking, a Warrior, a Soldier, he's more
May you walk this path, fearless and strong

My love never waivers
My love never falters
My love is your love
Leo Phoenix you're mine

1 comment:

anymommy said...

You're beautiful. I know it hurts. I know the endless sting of a thousand million moments that could have/should have/might have gone differently. I love you.

Late August and early September are the hard times for me too. Never more so than this year as I leave all the hopes and wishes behind forever. Who knew the hardest thing in my whole life would be healing without getting what I want? Makes sense I suppose.