Monday, October 28, 2013

Three Is The Magic Number

Life often gets in the way and that's what we've been living recently.  A mad and full one.

We've been interviewing via Skype for new lodge managers.  Team Zimbabwe scored nil points but team GB came storming in to take pole position followed closely by Team Argentina and France.  This couple were wildly passionate though we reckoned if they were to argue then the man on the moon would hear them easily.  In total there were 10 strong couples, but after much deliberation we eventually made a decision last week.  My final question was, 'If you could invite two people (dead or alive) to dinner who would they be'?  Chris preferred this to my other choice, 'Tell me your favourite joke'.  I saw his point as his jokes are rubbish.

Family have been visiting and time has been devoured with cheese, stories, a road trip, work, politics, magazines, quality grandson time and laughter.  We've also managed to attend a few local expat hang outs and Leo has eaten his body weight in cake at every occasion and demanded that all candles be re-lit.  There's a total solar eclipse ready to drench Murchison in darkness on the 3rd November 2013 and the lodge and camp are full for it.  Needless to say we're not ready, but we will be (said in a screechy voice).  We have 3 new river tents being hurriedly finished in anticipation and the local thatching crew have been creating wonders with shaded areas and roofs.  On a high note, last week the swimming pool pump was placed in the incorrect well so the water looked like a hippo had crapped in it.  Typically Leo swam in it like the proverbial pig.....

Talking of the dude, Leo spins and spins our world fast.  He believes the Gruffalo lives behind every tree and that cows will eat him for breakfast.  He can swim beautifully in his swim vest kicking his chunky feet frantically beneath him like Michael Flatley.  The lodge staff adore him, and he them. 'Welcome to my other home' he enthusiastically shouts when we arrive before tumbling from the car and vanishing barefoot into the bush or down to the kitchen.  Our lion cub is turning into a King.  At school he has stopped biting and pinching and instead tells everyone else to say sorry before giving them a generous hug tightly around the neck.  He is a wolf in sheep's clothing - angelic yet devilishly naughty.  A true boy. 

I took a fly by the night kind of visit to SA to have confirmed that my new abnormal is the new normal.  My periods aren't quite the same as before my last pregnancy, but based on my age and fertility history it's not a surprise.  As you can probably appreciate when you reach a certain point in your life you need to be told that to believe it and sometimes that's enough.  I was scanned and my follicle count is good and my TSH and prolactin levels are apparently 'beautiful'.  The most encouraging comment was that I'm healthier now than I was six months ago.  You can't put a price on that, though based on the amount of wine and vodka drunk recently I'm doubtful this is still the case.

A great and wise friend told me to stop writing my blog.  'Your blog is re-living this hurt and bringing it all back to the forefront again, this is sure to push you off track each time......'  I reeled a bit but wrote back explaining, 'it is not for everyone, and that I appreciate.  But for the women who have contacted me through it and who I have helped through my writing I am grateful.  For two girlfriends they found strength through it and continued to try for a baby.  I was able to give them hope.  That cannot be brought, it can only be felt and it is a feeling that has allowed them to believe that anything is possible.  The last 5 years have been an emotional rollercoaster and it is only now that I am able to embrace truly the world ahead of me and not just the one behind me.'

Another friend in Uganda asked us for advice as she was bleeding during her pregnancy.  Her and her husband were unsure of whether to return to the UK or to stay in Uganda and remain on bed rest.  I gave them the facts of what happened to us and in no uncertain terms told them to board the plane.  It was a difficult time, more so because it clashed with Ella's five year anniversary.  I left their home on my bike disorientated by fear and finally pulled over to choke on tears.  Another friend was close behind in her car and stopped to take me in her arms and hold me tight.  She knew exactly what, why and how and shared her great and knowing heart with me.  Because Chris was away I couldn't face the potential terror of discussing the 'what if's' with them alone, so she promised to be there when I did.  They boarded the plane two weeks later and arrived in London ready to fall into the laps of the medical profession.  Their baby remains safe and is due in November. 

And us?  Chris is remarkable.  He has quietly encouraged me to have the i's dotted and t's crossed so that later down the line there are no 'if only we'....  He juggles a mixture of 25 oranges, chunks of cake, cricket bats, hats, fire poi's, beer bottles and footballs high into the sky for Leo and I to grab at our leisure as he keeps the lodge running and our lives intact.  He wants us to stick to Plan A: lets just see what happens and if we're not able to create a sibling for Leo in the time we've given ourselves then it will be put to rest - never can we be accused of not trying, not hoping and not loving.  And for me?  The wound is still there and always will be.  Had Ella survived she would be 5 years and 2 months and not a day goes by when I don't catch myself thinking of her.  On the flip side of life her strong younger brother swings on the cusp of two years and eight months old and in him I see a spirit of greatness.  Our inspiring pot of gold. 

You sometimes need a change of focus or a moment of reflection to make you take stock of what's held in your hand.  And all of Leo makes me appreciate the simple fact that if he's going to be our one and only then I could not wish for a more confident, mesmerising, challenging, funny and enchanting child under our wing.

In the words of Schoolhouse Rock, 'Three Is A Magic Number'.   


Amelia said...

He is gorgeous.

I do enjoy reading your words, and hope you'll continue here.

Sending light and love.

anymommy said...

It is magic. Writing out what plays in our heads over and over is never a mistake in my opinion. Ignoring it doesn't make the music go away. I love you! I'm so glad for healthy and for chances and for the magic number three.